Love in the Time of Coronavirus: Keeping the Connection
Are you and your partner arguing more? Are you annoyed by little things that never bothered you before? Do you feel cooped up and stressed out? Are you worried about the future of your relationship? You are not alone. So many people in all sorts of romantic and sexual relationships are struggling right now. So...is there anything that can be done about it?
Yes. There is hope. If all parties involved are committed to making things work and keeping their connection healthy, your relationship can grow and get better.
Where Do We Start?
We can begin the work by understanding what is happening and why our relationships may be under excess strain. Each relationship is unique and faces different kinds of stressors. We’ll explore some of the unique challenges faced in different stages and types of relationships, but first it’s important to acknowledge the herd of elephants (and donkeys and airborne viruses and so much more) in the room. The world we are all living in has added a large dose of stress to our cognitive load. Most of us are finding it difficult to focus, feeling anhedonic, tired, less motivated, more irritable, restless, and less patient that usual. The stress of our sociopolitical environment has been been stressful for all of us -- no matter your ideological background. We are living in a time where grief, loss, division, and helplessness are more front of mind for many than they have ever been as the Presidential Election approaches and the death toll of the COVID-19 pandemic both nationally and globally. Add to that the rampant unemployment and resulting economic stress as well as the increased national awareness of systemic racial bias and police violence. Not to mention, we all have our own individual stressors on top of these broader stresses. There are so many tabs open in our mental browsers that it can seem impossible to even keep track of all the things stressing us out.
Long Distance Relationships
In some circumstances, regardless of longevity or stage of the relationship, the individuals involved are not able to live in the same home or even the same geographic area. In some ways, these couples have likely become much more skilled at communicating and maintaining intimacy even when not able to be in the same physical space. The difficulty is that the opportunities they may have had to spend time together in person may be disrupted by travel restrictions and guidelines around quarantining and limiting exposure. In some cases, couples who were not long distance previously may have become long distance due to the demands of their employment or other circumstances that have shifted recently. Some long distance relationships face challenges related to differences in time zones, access to internet or video connection, conflicting schedules, etc. In short, for these couples the pandemic is forcing them to handle all the stresses of single life in the pandemic and possibly also interfering with their established ways of maintaining intimacy across distance.
For long distance couples, it can be vital schedule times to connect and hold to those schedules. Providing each other with a bit of predictability for each partner to hold on to during their time apart. In scheduling these times, it can help to define what is expected of each interaction. For example, is Friday date night? If so, is this meant to be a time where both people eat together and spend the majority of their nights talking to each other via the miracle of technology? Is it just taking an hour to touch base and catch up with each other after work? Both partners knowing what to expect and agreeing to what a defined time will be can help both people feel like they are on the same page and understand what is expected of them at various times within the relationship. This often relieves anxiety and tension around what is expected.
Keeping the element of surprise alive can also do wonders for helping the relationship feel fresh and exciting even after a longer period of time apart. Surprise can look different for different couples, but could be as traditional as sending flowers or as simple as sending an unexpected message or picture. Sometimes our partners need to hear that they are on our minds and that we care enough to go the extra mile in regard to letting them know how much they mean to us. Tailor the surprises to your relationship. Are you and your partner into steamy messages and pictures? Would sending a picture of something that reminded you of your partner during a routine day make them smile? Find the way of expressing yourself that fits your relationship and matches what you want to express to your partner.
Cohabitating Couples
For couples who live together, it can be difficult to adjust to the “new normal” of life during a pandemic. All couples are faced with limitations on activities outside of the home, which can limit their ability to spend time apart from each other or engage in enjoyable activities together. Their contact with their support systems may become more limited due to social distancing and stay-at-home guidelines. Add this to the fact that one or both partners may be working from home, meaning that they are spending significantly more time at home, possibly together. This increases stress on many levels.
Firstly, there’s the logistics of sharing space during personal and professional times. Let’s focus on the logistics first. Setting out clear boundaries and expectations is important, but also needs to be a conversation rather than a dictate. Both partners should sit down with each other and articulate their needs and work together to figure out how to accommodate the demands of each person’s needs. There are many systems you can create together to help figure out who needs what space and what kinds of environmental conditions at what time. The point of this is not for the partners to demand that the other person meet their needs, but to align with each other in order to solve this puzzle as a team. Creativity is encouraged! My partner and I have created distinct work spaces throughout our apartment so that there are always multiple spaces available for doing work. This works in part because we are fortunate enough to have the space to do this, but can also be done in smaller spaces. We then made a schedule of who needed what kind of space at what times and “reserved” our preferred spaces for those times. We also use a white noise machine in the house to keep things confidential and to minimize distractions or disruptions while we’re working or meeting with someone. If you are not comfortable spending money on a white noise machine, you can always look up a video or recording of white noise online and use that in lieu of spending money on a separate machine.
Another way to help yourselves and each other is to recognize that sharing space can be heard. Make time to be together intentionally (not just technically occupying the same physical space), but also make time to be with yourself without your partner. Make time to talk with friends and family and other supports. Talk with your partner about their needs and share your own with them. What is your love language? What is theirs? Are you both finding ways to speak to each other using the other person’s language? Is your partner more of an introvert or more of an extrovert? How are those and as well as other aspects of their identity being cared for and rejuvenated? Start asking each other questions with an open and honest heart. Listen to understand, rather than respond. Let your partner know that you want to see the world through their eyes and help them do the same for you.
Polyamory, Ethical Non-Monogamy, and Other Non-Traditional Relationships
Individuals engaged in non-traditional relationships face some unique challenges already, many of which are intensified or exacerbated by the conditions of the COVID-19 pandemic. Although many of the tips and stressors mentioned above can apply to non-traditional relationships, it is important to acknowledge that there may be even more juggling and holding of space required for individuals who are in relationships that involve more than two people. Many of the information above can be applied, but it may also be helpful to touch base with all members of the relationship and ensure that expectations are clearly understood and communicated to all parties. This will allow everyone to move forward from a mutual and collaborative stance. This is a good idea even when we are not facing a global pandemic, but this kind of communication is even more essential now.
One Final Word: Compassion
The final thought I would leave you with is that all of this can be boiled down to compassion. We must constantly remind ourselves to have compassion not only for our partners and the stresses they are experiencing, but also with ourselves. These are hard times for us all. Sometimes just acknowledging the difficulty and having compassion for the struggles we all face can make all the difference in how we come through these challenging times and find ways to grow our love, even in the time of coronavirus.
If you’d like to work with one of our Therapists we are currently accepting clients and you can reach us at Our Office. We provide a free 15 phone consultation to determine if we are a good match for one another. For more information on anxiety and depression treatment check out our website at www.chicagopsych.org
Written by: Sejdaras Psy.D. & Associates Team