Relationship Anxiety

Do you spend more time worrying or being stressed about your relationship than you do actually enjoying it? Do you find yourself hesitating to commit to a relationship partner or being afraid to communicate your feelings and concerns with an existing partner? Are you constantly worried that your partner will leave you or that they aren’t really as invested in the relationship as you are? Does it ever feel like you can’t really be yourself with your partner and you find yourself thinking that if they really knew you they wouldn’t want to be with you anymore? Do minor issues in your relationship feel like major concerns that often lead to major conflicts?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, you could be experiencing the negative impacts of Relationship Anxiety. If you’re thinking, “Wait...I’m experiencing what now?” this blog may be a helpful thing to take a few moments to pursue.

What is Relationship Anxiety?

While it might seem pretty obvious, it’s worth taking a moment to break down what relationship anxiety actually is and what it is not. We all experience some normative levels of anxiety in relationships. Sometimes anxiety can even be related to positive developments -- butterflies before a first date or nerves the first time you meet a partner’s family. This is not what we’re talking about when we look at Relationship Anxiety. There are also times when you might have answered yes to some of the questions we asked earlier because of potentially toxic or abusive dynamics present within your relationship. This is also not what we mean by Relationship Anxiety. Relationship Anxiety refers to anxieties that arise in intimate relationships that are generally attributable to doubts or uncertainties that aren’t necessarily based in the reality of the current situation, but are more based in our fears from past experiences or our own anxiety about ourselves or the future.

Wait, Where Does it Come From?

What does it mean to say that these anxieties are not based in the reality of the current situation? It definitely does not mean that the anxiety feels any less real or impactful. It doesn’t lessen the difficulty of working through this kind of anxiety. What it does mean is that the anxiety doesn’t necessarily come from something your partner is actually doing, but instead is rooted in your fear of what they could do or might do as well as perhaps a fear of getting hurt. Perhaps the scariest part of developing feelings for someone is that it creates the potential for getting hurt. In this blog, we’re going to explore a little more about some of the possible sources of relationship anxiety and how to navigate it as you move forward.

Attachment Style. Attachment style will be explored in more depth in future blogs, but in essence it refers to the way we learned to interact with significant individuals in our lives beginning when we were babies. Some folks learned naturally that they could depend on and for secure connections with the people around them. For others, they may naturally be more anxious that their needs will not be met or that those close to them will leave them or hurt them. When we don’t feel that we can depend on the figures we are attached to, we develop insecure attachment styles as a way to compensate and interact with these individuals. These patterns often persist into our adult relationships. Some may be desperate to connect with others, but simultaneously so terrified of being hurt or abandoned that they push others away or avoid getting too close. Others may have the same feelings, but try to cope by clinging on as tight as they can to try and hold onto the people in their life. For others, it can be a mix of both of those behaviors, a kind of push and pull of wanting to hold on and push away or avoid all at once. Attachment styles will be explored further in future blogs.

Negative Past Experiences. Many of us have experienced both positive and negative aspects of relationships. The negative or hurtful things we go through can often leave a lasting impression and can result in us looking for warning signs or indicators that we can look to as a way to keep ourselves safe from being hurt again. Sometimes this can result in seeing the behaviors of a partner through the lens of our past painful experiences, rather than in the context of the person in front of us. This is a completely understandable way of trying to cope with difficult experiences and a desire to avoid being hurt, it isn’t really fair to our current partner, our current relationships, or even ourselves.

Struggles with Self-Worth and Self-Esteem. Whether in relation to the messages and dynamics of our childhood or because of negative experiences in past relationships, we may struggle to feel confident or self-assured in our relationships. Working on building our sense of worth so that we see ourselves as a valuable and desirable partner can help ease some of our anxieties. Practicing self-compassion is one excellent way to create more positive self-image.

Murky Expectations or Communication. Sometimes anxieties can stem from uncertainties about expectations we or our partner might have or a lack of clarity in how we’ve communicated. Uncertainty often breeds anxiety. The best way to combat uncertainty is to find certainty. One of the easiest ways we can do that in a relationship is to work with our partner to normalize open and honest communication. It can be intimidating to share our fears and concerns with our partner, but in the end our relationships will be much healthier and feel more secure if we make open and honest communication the norm rather than the exception.

Familial, Social, and Cultural Pressures. We all grow up hearing messages about relationships and what they “should” be like, when and how we’re “supposed” to find them, and all sorts of explicit and implicit ideas about how we connect with other people. We often internalize these ideas and they then create pressure or expectations that can sometimes get in the way of appreciating where our relationships are and what we have because we’re too focused on where our relationships should be going or what they’re supposed to be like.

What Can I do About it?

1. Knowledge is power. By gaining insight into the source of your anxiety, you can begin to understand what it is and how it could be addressed.

2. Communicate! Working to communicate openly and honestly with your partner can be a wonderful way to add clarity and decrease anxiety within a relationship.

3. Check your values. Take some time to think about what you want from a relationship and how that does or does not align with the implicit and explicit messages you’ve received over the years.

4. Pause before you react. When you feel the anxiety start to come, take a moment to check in with yourself. Are you tired? Hungry? Stressed? Dehydrated? Intoxicated? If any of these things are true and even if they aren’t, it’s often helpful to take some time to calm down and re-regulate before taking time to reflect on your feelings and make sure they are congruent with your genuine beliefs, rather than being more rooted in anxieties unrelated to your current partner or a reaction to a momentary trigger.

Seek help. Therapy can be a wonderful way to explore your anxiety and work towards feeling more secure and stable in your relationships, romantic or otherwise.

Written by: Sejdaras Psy.D. & Associates Team

If you’d like to work with one of our Therapists we are currently accepting clients and you can reach us at Our Office. We provide a free 15 phone consultation to determine if we are a good match for one another. For more information on anxiety and depression treatment check out our website at www.chicagopsych.org