Why does ‘perfectionism’ feel like you are chasing your own tail?
As someone has put it, perfectionism is the art of never being satisfied. No matter how much effort is put into it and no matter how well you have performed, you are constantly being pulled to find what was not done properly. Never feeling ok with receiving a complement because of feeling like you are not deserving of it.
Perfectionism can feel heavy to carry because it often involves setting unrealistically high standards for oneself and fearing failure or imperfection adds to that. The weight comes from several sources:
1. Constant Self-Criticism: Perfectionists often have an inner voice that relentlessly judges their actions, leading to feelings of inadequacy or frustration, even when they do their best. This internal pressure can be exhausting. The thing is that when struggling with perfectionism, you don’t need others to judge you anymore. That external voice of your parents, teachers, peers or other significant people in your life, has turned into that constant inner voice, ready to make you feel ashamed of yourself. As Brene Brown said: “Perfectionism is not a way to avoid shame. Perfectionism is a form of shame.”
2. Fear of Failure: Perfectionists may fear that anything less than perfect will lead to rejection or disappointment. This fear can paralyze them from taking risks or trying new things, making it difficult to move forward in life. And as it is understood, once you don’t make steps forward, this adds to that inner voice that is telling you “You will never make it!”.
3. Chronic Stress: The desire to meet impossible standards can create a constant state of stress. Perfectionists may overwork themselves, sacrifice well-being, and feel like they're never doing enough, leading to burnout. It is common for a perfectionist to experience all sorts of physical and emotional pain due to the perpetual struggle to reach something that is just unattainable like perfectionism. When do you draw the line to give yourself grace and allow yourself to just be in the moment and enjoy whatever achievements you have accomplished?
4. Difficulty with Acceptance: Perfectionists often struggle to accept that mistakes and imperfections are a natural part of growth. This lack of self-compassion can make it hard to feel at peace with themselves, even in the face of minor setbacks. And the judgement does not end there. They are predisposed to harsh judgments of spouses, friends, and partners. And so their relationships struggles too.
5. Imbalanced Priorities: Perfectionists might neglect their personal lives, relationships, or health in pursuit of perfect results, leading to isolation or dissatisfaction in areas that should bring joy and fulfillment. Because of being so certain that ‘…if I put some more pressure, I will achieve the perfect score…’, everything gets filtered through tunnel vision (just focused on that forever moving light at the end of the tunnel) disregarding everything else worth seeing and enjoying along the way.
In sum, perfectionism becomes a heavy burden because it involves striving for an unattainable ideal while suppressing natural human imperfections, creating a cycle of pressure, stress, and self-doubt.
How can you help yourself?
Recognizing that perfectionism is not the cure, but the real issue, is the first step. And don’t blame yourself for having become a perfectionist. Giving yourself grace and treating yourself with kindness because you are hurting due to this heavy burden is also a step towards the right direction. Avoiding comparison with others and ‘your perfect self’ is also a huge healing cure. If you have tried all of the above and it hasn’t helped that much, talking to someone you trust or considering therapy is always a good idea. Above all, learn to celebrate every achievement (even the smallest ones) as well as tolerate and embrace every imperfection.
As they say; “Imperfection inspires invention, imagination, creativity. It stimulates. The more I feel imperfect, the more we feel alive!”.
Meet the author: Silvana Loka
