Dating Anxiety in a Post-ish Pandemic World
by Dr. Yvette Boles, Psy.D. (she/her/hers)
As the world opens back up, some of us are taking on the daunting task of figuring out how to date again. Whether because of a break up or a forced hiatus due to the global pandemic, many of us are a bit out of practice when it comes to dating. Add to the situation that we’re now hearing about rising rates of infection and the new Delta Variant of the COVID-19 threatening to send the country into another lockdown, and it’s easy to see how there’s just layer upon layer of anxiety to sort through as we attempt to meet people and form connections in this strange post-pandemic (hopefully) world we find ourselves in today.
Choosing a Medium
Before you start looking to meet someone, it can be helpful to determine how you would like to meet potential new partners. While some folks are returning to their favorite bars and enjoying an active nightlife now that many bars and restaurants have reopened, this may not be the most wise or anxiety-free method of connecting with others. Many folks have turned to online dating and/or dating apps both during the pandemic and as the world opened up this summer. Part of choosing the right medium is knowing which apps are ideal for you and what you might be looking for in an online dating experience. Tinder has a reputation for being a hookup app and for that reason does tend to attract folks who are looking for more casual connections. If you are hoping for a dynamic with fewer strings and less commitment as well as a pretty large population of folks engaging with the platform. Bumble and Hinge cater to a pretty wide range of commitment levels and generally ask for more information than Tinder, but less than platforms like OK Cupid or Match, which are generally seen as being geared towards folks seeking more committed types of relationships.
Most apps are designed for more monogamously-minded folks. For folks in ethically non-monogamous, open, or polyamorous relationships may have better luck on OK Cupid, as there is an option to identify and filter based on selecting non-monogamous as a relationship type. Additionally, apps like #open and Feeld can be good spaces for folks interested in ENM, open, and polyamorous dynamics.
Most of these apps have made vast improvements in regard to recognizing the diverse identities of those of us in the LGBTQIA+ community, but there are some apps that are more commonly used by folks in the community. One thing that should be noted is that the experiences folks have often differ significantly based on gender identity (as well as other facets of identity). Male-identified folks may find that they gain likes and matches more slowly than female-identified folks, but with persistence and a quality profile, success is still very much possible. Female-identified folks may find themselves feeling overwhelmed by the number of likes/matches and discouraged by the ways in which sexism colors the interactions on various platforms. It is also important to remind ourselves going into the dating process that people are still people. The isms that plague so many of our online and in person interactions with each other are still present and it is important to care for ourselves accordingly.
Safety
Safety can come in many different forms. One type of safety to be mindful of is pandemic-related safety. It’s important to have a conversation with anyone we are thinking of meeting in person regarding their vaccination status and the safety measures they have been taking to avoid catching or transmitting the virus.
Physical and emotional safety are also really important when diving back into the dating world. Some of the safety measures taken can depend on where you are meeting, but in general it is often wise to have a first meeting somewhere public and “neutral” to both parties. It can be reassuring to know that you have at least one friend or partner who is aware of who you are meeting as well as when and where the meeting is taking place. Keeping initial meetings to a defined and shorter time frame can take some of the pressure off of the individuals involved.
Emotional safety is also important. If someone does or says something during your interactions that does not sit well with you or makes you feel unsafe, you are not obligated to continue with the interaction.
One final word on safety is to trust your gut. Even if all precautions are taken, if you feel uncomfortable you do not need to justify or rationalize the feeling. Your discomfort is valid because it exists and can be better unpacked and processed once you have gotten yourself to a place where you once again feel safe and comfortable.
Intention and Expectation
Whether in initial conversations via virtual platforms or in person dates, it is both helpful and courteous to be upfront about what you are looking for in a partner or partners and what kind of engagement you expect from the folks with whom you connect. If you have not told someone what you need or want, they cannot be expected to know those things. A lot of time can be saved and frustration bypassed by having clear and honest communication about what individuals are wanting from their dating interactions.
Openness
Openness is key in the dating process. It can be easy to think we know who we are looking for, but when you are open to finding the kind of partner or partners you are looking for in any kind of package, we can sometimes surprise ourselves with the incredible connections we form in unexpected places. Long story short, you won’t find it if you don’t look for it. It can be important to check our preconceived notions and biases as we go along the journey of dating to make sure we aren’t overlooking someone we might really enjoy connecting with on the basis of a superficial or mistaken judgment.
Self-Compassion
The most important thing as we re-engage in the emotional rollercoaster of dating in this post(ish) pandemic world is to have self-compassion. We all have awkward moments, anxieties, and insecurities. We are all human and will all make mistakes and missteps, but having compassion (for ourselves and others) and learning from decisions or situations that didn’t go the way we wanted is vital. Trying takes courage! We need to give ourselves credit for the efforts we make and take things at a pace that is comfortable for each of us. We are all different and worthy of compassion. Don’t forget your self-care!
If there are consistent struggles or patterns that you notice coming up during your adventures in dating, it can be incredibly helpful to reach out to a therapist. Therapy can provide an open and nonjudgmental space to work through personal challenges that we may experience and to have someone to walk with us through the anxieties and hardships that come up as we move through the world. Just because you can tackle all of this alone does not mean you have to do so.
by Sejdaras Psy.D & Associate Team
If you’d like to work with one of our Therapists we are currently accepting clients and you can reach us at Our Office. We provide a free 15 phone consultation to determine if we are a good match for one another. For more information on anxiety and depression treatment check out our website at www.chicagopsych.org