Navigating Couples Therapy When One Partner Struggles with a Depressive Disorder
Depression is an often misunderstood mental health condition that can be both chronic or seasonal in nature. When it occurs in the context of a relationship, it can feel as though a third party has entered—one that can be draining, confusing, and lead to feelings of helplessness. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), a subtype of depression that aligns with the fall and winter seasons, adds another layer of complexity, often compounding emotional strain during the darker, colder months of the year. For couples, the impact can be profound, challenging the foundation of connection, communication, and shared joy.
As a psychologist, I’ve witnessed how depression—including SAD—can create turbulence in a partnership. Couples therapy can be a means of survival, introducing tools to navigate the emotional ups and downs while strengthening the relationship. Here, we’ll explore how couples therapy can address the unique dynamics of these situations and promote healing.
Understanding the Relational Impact of Depression
Depression doesn’t just affect the individual who suffers with it; it permeates relationships. Symptoms such as lethargy, irritability, withdrawal, and low self-worth can unintentionally forge distance between partners. The non-depressed partner may experience feelings of frustration, confusion, or even rejection, while the partner who suffers with depression may feel guilt or shame for their struggles.
In couples therapy, it is necessary to explore this dynamic in an open and compassionate manner. By naming depression or SAD as an external entity, rather than labeling either partner as the problem, the couple can begin to reclaim a sense of unity. When the challenge itself can be externalized, a reduction in blame can occur and facilitate a collaborative approach to healing.
Key Goals of Couples Therapy in This Context
Cultivating Compassion and Understanding
Couples therapy creates a space for both partners to share their experiences with a neutral third party. The non-depressed partner has an opportunity to gain insight into what depression feels like from their partner’s perspective, while the partner with depression can learn how their symptoms impact the relationship. Building mutual understanding can foster a foundation for rebuilding trust and connection.Normalizing and Educating
Many people have misconceptions about mental health conditions such as depression and SAD. Couples therapy often includes psychoeducation to dispel these misconceptions and provide clarity. For example, understanding that depression is not a choice but a medical condition can help shift perspective and increase compassion.Improving Communication
Depression can impact healthy communication, leading to misunderstandings and conflict. Therapy can help couples develop tools that facilitate curiosity and seeking to more deeply understand one another. These skills can help reduce emotional reactivity that often arises during distressing times.Creating a Shared Action Plan
While individual therapy may be necessary for each of the pair, couples therapy focuses on how the couple can support one another and work together. Developing a shared plan to approach life’s challenges together bolsters a sense of teamwork and confidence in the relationship.
Challenges to Address
Emotional Burnout in the Non-Depressed Partner
The partner supporting someone with depression might feel overwhelmed or neglected, leading to their own emotional fatigue. Couples therapy provides space to explore these feelings without guilt, validating their experience while emphasizing the importance of self-care.
Risk of Codependency
It’s not uncommon for the partner who is not depressed to overcompensate in an effort to "fix" their partner or take on an excessive caretaking role. Therapy can assist in establishing healthy boundaries, ensuring both partners maintain their autonomy while remaining emotionally connected.
The Role of Seasonal Patterns
For couples coping with SAD, therapy can assist in preparing for and navigating the predictable seasonal fluctuations. This might include creating rituals for self-care and connection during challenging times, such as introducing a "seasonal survival kit" of activities or (if feasible) planning vacations to sunnier locations.
Cultivating Resilience Together Couples therapy aims to foster resilience beyond the immediate challenges of depression or SAD. When couples master how to navigate adversity as a team, they often discover their bond deepens. They build a shared vocabulary for discussing emotions, strengthen their abilities to navigate challenges together, and cultivate a sense of mutual support.
Final Thoughts
When one partner is battling depression or seasonal affective disorder, it’s easy for both to feel stuck in a cycle of disconnection and misunderstanding. Couples therapy offers a pathway to healing, not by erasing the challenges but by helping partners navigate them together. By fostering empathy, enhancing communication, and building a toolkit for resilience, therapy can transform a time of struggle into an opportunity for growth and deeper connection.
Written by: Dr. Deahdra Bowier
