Understanding your role in relationship conflict
Conflict is a natural part of relationships, but how couples handle it can deepen connection or drive couples further apart. Oftentimes couples come into counseling with a long list of problems focused on their partner. If my partner wasn’t so critical, if my partner wasn’t so sensitive, if my partner gave me more affection… we wouldn’t have these conflicts. Conflict is typically co-created and in some cases maintained because it serves some function in the relationship. From a psychodynamic view, resolving conflict starts with understanding how each partner contributes to the dynamic.
Uncovering the Roots of Conflict
Unresolved past issues often influence reactions in relationships. For example, a partner who felt neglected as a child might see criticism as rejection, while someone from a critical environment may become defensive. Recognizing these unconscious patterns is essential for change.
Steps to Understanding Your Role
Self-Reflection: Identify your feelings, reactions and interpretations during conflicts and consider if they stem from past experiences.
Recognize Patterns: Notice recurring triggers and cycles, like one partner withdrawing while the other pursues. Consider if you have these patterns in other areas of your life - work, friendships, previous relationships, parenting, etc.
Explore Attachment Styles: Understanding your attachment style—secure, anxious, or avoidant—can reveal relationship needs and fears.
Communicate Openly: Share insights that focus on your role in the conflict and encourage your partner to do the same.
Seek Support: Couples counseling can uncover deeper emotional patterns and foster empathy.
Breaking the Cycle
To shift conflict dynamics:
Pause: If you feel heightened or intense emotion take a break from the conversation. Commit to returning to the conversation when you or your partner are in a calmer, more regulated state.
Self-Regulate: Use techniques like deep breathing, taking a walk, calling a safe and supportive friend to return to a state of calm.
Take Responsibility: After some reflection, share with your partner how you think you might be contributing to the conflict.
Practice Empathy: Understand your partner’s history and childhood dynamics. Visualize your partner as a young child perhaps coping in the best way they can in that moment.
Develop New Patterns: Conceptualize conflicts as co-created and shared rather than focusing on what your partner is doing wrong.
The Role of Couples Counseling
Couples therapy helps uncover unconscious motivations and build mutual understanding, empowering partners to break destructive cycles and strengthen their bond.
Understanding your role in conflict can transform your relationship. Through reflection, communication, and therapy, you can create a more empathetic and connected partnership. Consider couples counseling to take the first step toward lasting change.
